Elected Experience

Christmas Dinner, every year since 1843, unopposed until recently; Easter Dinner, ex officio; Chair, Committee for Leftover Sandwiches, December 26 through January 9

Other Professional Experience

Centerpiece; Glazed; Spiral-sliced under protest; Holder of the Pineapple Rings; 34 years in the cold storage industry

Education

Smokehouse, honors; Brown Sugar and Clove Institute; Self-taught in the Constitution

Community Service

Founder, Moms for Ham; Life Member, National Hock Association; Adopt-a-Highway (Highway 395, the Ham Belt); Annual Ham Drive, First Baptist Fellowship Hall

Statement

I'm going to say what nobody else in this race has the courage to say: Christmas dinner is ham. It has always been ham. Your grandparents ate ham. Their grandparents ate ham. Somewhere along the way, a small but very loud group of people decided that wasn't good enough for them anymore.

Look at what's on this ballot. A soup. A soup! And a pan of something from Los Angeles that its own family admits is "not traditional." They're not even hiding it anymore. This is the radical tortilla agenda, and it's coming for your table.

Every year it's the same thing. First they say "Happy Holidays." Then it's "Happy Holiday Meal." Next thing you know, your children are being taught in our schools that beans are a protein. I didn't fight my way out of a smokehouse to watch the American Christmas be served in a bowl.

My opponents will tell you they're "what the kids prefer." Since when do we let the kids decide? The kids would vote for cereal. I trust parents, I trust the cook, and I trust a 9-pound bone-in ham that has been in the oven since 6 a.m., the way God and Grandma intended. Well, other grandmas. Not these woke, bean-pushing casserole grannies on the ballot.

And to the Never Onions voters: you have been ignored by the onion establishment for too long. Both of my opponents are loaded with onions. They don't want you to know that. I am the only candidate in this race who is 100 percent onion-free, and I will never apologize for it.

I will protect the honey glaze. I will defend the pineapple ring. I will never apologize for the clove. And on day one I will sign an executive order making leftover ham sandwiches mandatory through Epiphany.

Make Christmas Ham Again. Vote Ham.